Saturday, October 01, 2005

White guys who want to be black

Never before in the history of this country have white guys wanted to be black. Last time I checked, black people were still complaining about how it sucks to be a black person in America, so why do these rich white kids want to be black?

Don't get me wrong. I'm not knocking black people. I don't actually know any of them, but I'm pretty sure that some of my best friends have black people that work for them. I mean, if it wasn't for black people, who would spend their whole life making my McDonald's cheeseburgers when we long-haired white guys get the munchies from smoking we-- um, tobacco. (Speaking of which, the guy who sold me that was black, too, so I guess I do know a couple of black people after all!)

Relax. I'm kidding. Most black people don't spend their whole life working at McDonald's. They usually get fired for stealing in, like, the first week.

Again, RELAX. It's a joke. If I was black, I'd be picking on white people. That's just how it goes. If you can't laugh at people who are of a different race, then what the hell is the point of having different races? All of us are people. Well, most of us anyway. There are white people that are jerks, and there are black people that are jerks. The only difference is that white people who make fun of black people are called racists, and black people who make fun of black people are called Chris Rock.

I won't even get started on the whole "baggy pants hanging halfway down your ass" thing. I mean, if you can't afford pants that fit, and you have to wear your brother's hand-me-down's, that's one thing, but a rich white kid going into Macy's with Daddy's credit card and intentionally buying a pair of $150 jeans that are 7 sizes too big to look "fly" is just plain stupid. Dude, you don't look fly. You don't look dope. You look like you're on dope, and by the way, your fly is open. That's about as close as you're gonna get, white boy.

Angry Internet Guy says, "Be who you are. If you're an unhappy white guy, then become a serial killer like a normal crazy-ass white guy."

Free isn't good enough for some people

Google is in the news again, as they submit a proposal to blanket San Francisco with free wireless internet access. We're talking about free internet access for a whole city's worth of people, at absolutely no cost to the users, but apparently that isn't enough for some people. They're irritated because they think Google represents a potential privacy risk. Granted, it's a pretty good bet that Google will be collecting non-personally identifiable information for statistical purposes (they've got to know how the service is used so that they can improve or expand on any certain parts), but even if they wanted to collect personally identifiable information, who cares? If you don't want Google to see what you're doing, then simply buy your own internet service. (Although who knows what kind of records your ISP is keeping on you...)

This reminds me of a transcript I saw recently on some website. It was a message board thread between a bootleg movie poster and one of the downloaders of said material. All legal issues aside, the poster was "kind" enough to take the time to post a movie so that the downloaders wouldn't have to buy the movie. The downloader, however, was not satisfied with the quality of the movie, and spent 5 paragraphs explaining why the poster was a jerk, why the poster was a worthless so and so, and included a few colorful comments about the poster's questionable maternal heritage.

Come on, people. Are we as a culture really so spoiled that we complain about the quality of stolen goods that someone gives us? Maybe so. We already complain about how miserable our lives are instead of being thankful for the gift of life. We complain about not having anything good on TV instead of being thankful that we have 500 channels from which to choose. We complain about being overweight instead of being thankful that we live in a country where the daily amount of wasted foods from the collective American McDonald's restaurants alone could single-handedly end world hunger.

I say that we should start being more thankful for the wonderful things in life, because after all, the best things in life are free.

Free movies, and all we have to do is squint to watch scrambled HBO.
Free drugs, and all you have to do is put out for the dealer.
Free parking, and all we have to do is double park in the handicapped spots.
Free gas, as long as you always carry a siphon.
Free loose women, and all you have to do is tell them you're a talent agent.
Free $250 gift cards, and all you have to is delete 15,247 spam emails.

Everything's free, free, free... and all you have to do is deal with whatever crap comes with it, but the point is that you don't have to deal with the bad if you don't want to. Just pay for it like everybody else and stop being a cheapskate, and then you won't have to deal with the fine print. I mean, it isn't really that hard to figure out, people.

Angry Internet Guy says, "All ungrateful SOB's should be entitled to a free pineapple. Of course, the fine print designates the exact method of delivery..."

Bad drivers who think they're good drivers

You know what really pisses Angry Internet Guy off? Bad drivers who actually think they're good drivers. For example: As I drove down the road the other day, a lady pulled out of a parking lot right in front of me, cutting me off and almost getting herself crushed by my oncoming car. It was 100% her fault. I was obeying the speed limit, and she was sitting at the parking lot's exit the whole time as I approached. She had complete visibility, and a blind man could have seen me coming from this short distance.

She suddenly decides to hit the gas and pull out in front of me, and I have to slam on my brakes and screech to a stop just to narrowly avoid hitting her car, which already had several large dents, presumably from her doig this sort of thing.

Ok, so maybe she was distracted. After all, she was on her cell phone without a hands-free earpiece, applying makeup in the driver's side vanity, and munching on some sort of candy bar with her cellphone hand. Just the same, I could have let it go with only a single expletive yelled at her through my open car window, but she was having none of that. She actually had the audacity to give me the finger, and yell "Learn how to drive, a**hole!" at me.

Now, the old me would have followed her to her next destination and "shown her the error of her ways", as I have done with several drivers in the past. (Angry Internet Guy has no problem beating the hell out of a female jackass if she wants to act like a male jackass. If you need punched in the face, you need punched in the face. I don't care if you're a man or a woman, black or white, short or tall.) However, I'm not a teenager any more, and I try to no longer beat the hell out of strangers when they're inconsiderate. Instead, I go home and beat the wife and kids like a real man. (Kidding... Geez, have a sense of humor!)

But just the same, this is a good time to remind my devoted readers that not everyone will exercise the same self-control that I did. There are people who will shoot your ass for being a jerk. Think about that next time you give that quiet waiter with the nervous twitch a hard time at the restaurant.

Angry Internet Guy says, "Don't be a jerk or eventually my patience will wear thin and you may be the lucky recipient of a first class ass-whooping, and Angry Internet Guy is -REAL- good at dishing them out."

Evolution vs. Intelligent Design

This is a hot topic right now, especially as it has been thrust into the spotlight with the current court case in Pennsylvania. "Should schools teach Evolution or Intelligent Design as fact or theory?"

Obviously neither one can be proven, since there were no eyewitnesses or records. Scientists generally state that over time, man has evolved from monkeys, and that we're still evolving, albeit at a rate too slow to effectively chart. Creationists, or "Intelligent Design" proponents insist that the world is so complex that a higher power (some sort of diety such as God, etc.) had to have helped, as the odds against random chance resulting in our complex universe are beyond astronomical.

The debate is now whether or not either particular theory should be taught in schools, as both ideas require faith on certain assumptions.

I don't understand all the hub-bub. Teach both to the children. The whole point of education is to (say it with me...) EDUCATE our children, not to indoctrinate them one way or the other. Nobody (or at least nobody worth listening to) is saying that you have to present either as absolute fact, but both should be presented with the appropriate disclaimers as to their sources and potentially questionable validity.

Secular (non-religious) scientists generally agree that divine intervention (or any Intelligent Design variation) is a religious matter, and that it should have no place in schools as per the separation of church and state section of the US Constitution. However, it is a theory with signifigant acceptance, and therefore deserves its rightful place in general school curriculum if only to expose our children to the beliefs in the world around them. Any Social Studies class includes at least a brief section on world religions such as how Islam, Hindu, Bhuddism, etc. even if only to explain the reasoning behind historic conflicts/wars.

Besides, Evolution and Creation aren't even mutually exclusive.The human race -is- evolving even as we speak. This is a simple fact. We aren't suddenly sprouting wings or anything, but humans have evolved somewhat as a direct result of the environments in which we live. Those groups who live in cold climates tend to develop more body hair than those living in hot climates. Humans have a larger brain than we did a few thousand years ago. This doesn't necessarily mean that we're smarter, but that our brains are evolving.

However, there are still a few questions that have gone unasked in this debate. If we were designed by God in his image, why do our bodies break so easily? Can God get a broken leg just like the rest of us? On the flipside of this, if we are the result of direct evolution from monkeys, which would indicate that we are the superior species, then why don't monkeys go on killing sprees when they have a bad day at the office? For that matter, why aren't monkeys as uptight as humans about this sort of crap? Seems to me that they are happier than us, needing nothing more than a banana and a tire swing to keep them amused for hours.

Angry Internet Guy says, "Teach both theories in school and worry about something more important like inventing a laptop battery that lasts for more than 2 hours."