Thursday, January 05, 2006

Jake For President!

I bitch about the government. A lot. So do a lot of people, but most of them don't have any suggestions about how to actually make things better.

Well, when --I-- become President...

Here's my platform (aside from the obvious issues of legalizing weed and hookers...)

1. All American soldiers will be brought home within 24 hours of my taking office, with the exception being those whose presence is "actually" necessary. None of this "fighting over oil" crap. If one of our allies is literally being invaded, we'll go give them a hand. Short of that, screw 'em. We've got our own problems to deal with and spend tax dollars on, and there's no room for wasting our time trying to tell other countries how to live. They aren't going to listen to us anyway. If they wanted to be like us, they'd have done it already.

2. If we -do- have to send troops to some country, there will be none of this "Let's all be friends and turn your country into a democracy" crap. If we have to go all the way over there to kick your ass, we will most certainly kick your freakin' ass and get it over with. And if we end up bombing the hell out of some country because they decided to blow something up in the US, I'm damn sure not rebuilding their country. If they piss us off to the point that we have to level their country, then screw 'em.

3. Arnold Schwarzenegger will be my vice president, and I'll publicly name him as the guy in charge of the military. I'll still run the show behind the scenes, but what fool would dare challenge the Terminator in battle? It's all about image. Power perceived is power achieved.

4. Pre-election debates will be in the format of a kickboxing match on pay-per-view. Screw CNN's ever-so-kind political debates.

5. Larry Flynt will be my honorary Secretary of Art. This will occur immediately after I reorganize the FCC and put Hugh Hefner in charge of what we are and are not allowed to air on public television. Parents, don't worry. There will be ratings so that you can tune out all of that horrible stuff like boobies that your children shouldn't watch. (They'll be too busy playing violent video games instead.) But at least we'll be alowed to freakin' air boobies like the rest of the world.

6. Affirmative action will be nothing more than footnote in the history books. My theory is that if you're the best one for the job, you get hired. Trust me. Corporations don't really give a rat's ass if you're white, black, green, or Klingon... if you're the best one for the job, they hire you. If you're a dumbass, you don't get hired. Besides, if a company -is- racist, do you really want to work for a boss that sees you as a second-class citizen? Let it freakin' go already.

7. Welfare will only be for those who really need it, not those who scam it. If you pop out 28 kids, the government will provide daycare and healthcare... WHILE YOU WORK. If you're legitimately disabled (ie - your legs fall off, you carry your own head around in a briefcase, or some other equally debilitating condition), you'll go on a different program that's actually for the disabled. Being any certain race will no longer qualify you as being disabled on the grounds that your ancestors have been oppressed, because guess what? White folks have been oppressed too. Not lately, mind you, but it's happenned. Seriously, you don't think that at some point in history, some culture didn't get the idea that blond haired, blue-eyed women would be more fun as slaves than the brown/red/yellow skin of whatever slaves they currently had? Read up on the Roman empire someday. They were an equal opportunity oppressor. White slaves from Europe. Black slaves from Africa. Green slaves when they captured the aliens that built the pyramids. They were cruel, but they were equal opportunity slavers.

8. Free neutering and spaying for pets, if the owner cannot afford it.

9. Children may be beaten with a shoe if they are being little brats. The beater need not be the parent or guardian. You will finally be able to beat the hell out of that kid in Wal-Mart who throws a tantrum.

10. Every house in America will have access to broadband.

11. This crap about the government being allowed to tap into any communication that it desires without a warrant will be gone. (You know, the one Bush Jr. enacted as a supposed "anti-terrorism" measure.) Sure, they'll still do it, but at least it won't be officially legal. And at the very least, if the government taps into your conversation without proper cause, they can only use terrorism-related stuff against you, not your conversation with your friend about scoring some weed.

12. Gas prices will be regulated. Oil companies doing business in the US will be required to bid on oil that is not from the middle east. (They can still bid on oil from the middle east, but the lowest price gets the sale.)

13. Public transportation will receive the necessary funding so as to fill the needs of the cities.

14. Education... Bottom line. You need to have a 12th grade education in order to graduate from High School. If someone chooses not to learn, then they get sent to the dumbass class where they're beaten regularly. I'm disgusted by the number of inner city chumps who actually manage to get a diploma when they can't read beyond a "See Spot Run" level. Give me a freakin' break.

15. Prices for college education will be regulated. Everyone who is smart enough for (and desires to go to) college will have access. Likewise, community colleges will be required to have DECENT curriculum.

16. Penalties for abuse of animals will be the same as the penalties for abuse of people. Shooting an animal to legitimately end it's suffering is one thing, but catching animals on fire (and all the other sick crap people do) will be stopped when these immature jerks realize that there are penalties for abuse of animals that are actually enforced for a change, and not just a fine.

17. Thongs will be mandatory for all hottie chicks. (I'll just get some senator to kinda slip that one in there as a rider...)

18. The penal system will get a major overhaul. States will have to conform to the new federal guidelines, to avoid a situation where Pennsylvania has more people in jail than Wisconson "has people".

19. Inheritance tax will be lowered considerably. That money has already been taxed. Likewise, lottery winnings will be tax free. There's no reason that whomever is running the lottery can't simply lower the prize amount and call it a tax-free prize. The government would still get their money, but people would prefer to believe that they're getting tax-free winnings.

20. You will be allowed to sell your internal organs if you see fit to do so. Likewise, you will be able to sell your kids on eBay or whatever if they're brats.

21. Hey Homos. You can't get married. I don't care what you do behind closed doors, but speaking in a strictly legal sense, marriage is, by definition, a religious institution. You complain that you don't want religious views having any part in the gay marriage debate, so now you've got your wish. If you want to discuss some legal title with similar benefits as far as health insurance for your partner, etc., then fine. But it won't be called marriage. At the very most, it'll be called a "Civil Union" or something similar.

Okay... so that's my platform. Anybody got a problem with it? Step into the kickboxing arena. As for the rest of you, call your cable or satellite provider and order the next political debate on pay-per-view. :)